Summer Manifesto

Today is the official "First Day of Summer Vacation" at our house. Alex's last day of school was yesterday; he came home and then, just like that, he's a sophomore in high school.

What the heck?!

I follow several blogs out there on the interwebs, and in the last few weeks several have posted their Summer Manifestos. They're usually a wish-list of things one hopes to do over the next few months. It's usually things like "Drink more mojitos" or "Swim in the pool with my kids" or "Watch fireflies at night" followed by #goals.

Yeah.

Those of you who know me well know that I kinda hate summer. I know to some people that sounds like the most impossibly ridiculous thing ever. But if I were to make an honest list, it would include things like, "Only bitch about the heat and humidity once a day" or "Be grateful for special-needs day camps" or "'Lean in' to the lack of schedule and routine" or just an all-purpose "Try not to totally lose my ever-loving mind".

Wait, don't go! Come back!!!

I know all kids need structure and routine, but kids with autism REALLY need it. In spite of our best-laid plans, inevitably Alex starts to unravel and fray around the edges. And then of course I start to unravel and fray around the edges, and then I find myself just counting down the days till September. I know, I sound like a total buzzkill. Summer is supposed to be fun! Free time! Vacations and bike rides and swimming and YAY!!!

Sigh.

I know we're lucky, because our summer does include all of those things. And I love all of those things when we're doing them, truly. But usually during these three months I just yearn for the return to our routines, to crisp fall air, to hair that isn't like the Grinch's heart on Christmas (growing three sizes in one day). It all feels like this giant anxiety-inducing pause until we can get back to regularly scheduled programming. All while being uncomfortably hot. Did I mention I don't like DC summer weather? I really don't like DC summer weather....

Last summer ended differently, however. Usually as the sun sets on Labor Day I'm giddy with the realization that it's finally a School Night. I know I can exhale. But last year? I surprised myself. Even though I desperately wanted our regular routines back in place, I felt a sense of dread. I wasn't ready for Alex to be in high school yet. It was just too much. I know a lot of my current angst is about what his life will look like after high school (and that's a whole other post), but I think I'd feel this way regardless, at least a little. It all goes by too, too fast. He's only got three "First Day of School!s" left, for Pete's sake!

I seriously can't wrap my head around that reality.

I want to fast-forward to the fall, but I also want to make time stand still. It's quite a conundrum.

So. Here's my Summer Manifesto. I'm going to try and live in the present moment. This is hard for most of us to do in general, but it's especially challenging for me right now. Can I actually truly rest in the fact that it's June and live each day without wishing it away? Can I actually enjoy the fun stuff we do in the summer without simultaneously trying to fast-forward? Can I look at Alex and soak in his fifteen-and-a-halfness, right here and now, and just be grateful? Can I even embrace the heat and my big hair and my never-ending state of sweatiness? (Okay, probably not that last one. A girl's gotta be realistic.)